What the H. E. double toothpicks is going on that I can’t provide my readers with some good ol wacka wacka wacka stories or tales of menage a TROUBLE or even a nifty manual tidbit.
Maybe its the fact that I say things like H. E. double toothpicks.
Or that I have a newborn and tyrannical toddler.
Nah, that can’t be it.
Maybe I’m low on estrogen.
Have you ever gone 6 months, 2 weeks, 3 days and 14 hours without getting some? And when I say gettin’ some I mean the dance of the two headed monkey or bumping uglies. I don’t mean getting some chocolate, sushi or takeout. But now that you mention that maybe exactly what I meant.
Where was I? Oh yeah, DRY PERIODS.
Not dry PERIODS which just sounds weird but long bouts of abstinence.
So have you ever gone so long that when you do jump in the sac, you rush things so quickly to not allow for the proper, um, lubrication (talk about DRY!)? Â And then find yourself hanging upside down from the ceiling by your claws from the pain of it?
No me neither.
Ever decide you could try again, this time taking your time, getting yourself all worked up and well greased and find the good old act of knocking boots to be akin to ramming a red hot poker up your hoo hah?
If so you, you really should have that checked out.
Ever go out for dinner without your kids for the first time in 3 years to celebrate some SIGNIFICANT anniversary and the best part of the night is getting out of the 5 bedtime stories, and teeth brushing fight? Yeah, that one I can see.
So what about you? What’s your bedroom WTF story? Â Come on, you know you wanna share.
I have a WTF bedtime story. Thinking you can bump uglies with a kid sleeping in your room, on the floor, cuz he’s sick and then he wakes up puking just as you’re ready to finish. That’s some WTF people.
I have a severe bladder infection and have had it for 2 weeks!
I also have never wanted to bump my ugly more!
I’m dying here!
But my ugly is ugly.
WTF?
We had to switch my eldest daughters bedroom from next door to ours to down the hall because she told us she kept hearing, “noises.” Don’t get excited, it was the husbands’ snoring.
Months between the deeds.
Start things, and it’s wonderful. There’s bumping, there’s grinding, there’s moaning.
Then there’s a cry.
Stop. Shhhh. Maybe if we’re quiet . . . .
There’s more crying.
We break apart. Deal with the one so that the other doesn’t wake.
Less than a minute passes and silence.
Back to bed.
Back together.
And *poof* done before I even realized we started.
I know what ya mean about the dry thing. Judy and I rushed into some belly slapping too soon and she was so dry that the friction not only put blisters on MiniMe, but set the sheets on fire. Now we keep a can of WD40 and a bucket of water beside the bed.
Oh, sex after baby is….painful. Seriously.
I was reading a menopause book (for the future…way future) and read that if you don’t have sex, you actually do “lose it.” Like your body starts changing! Freaked the h e double toothpicks out of me.
jill
hmm. only thing i’ve got is the time he, um, exacerbated a medical condition that involves drinking lots of cranberry juice. that was bad enough, but then the doctor comes in and says, “so. guess YOU’VE been having a lot of sex lately!”
did i mention that this was the weekend before the bar exam last summer? yeah…
Where to start, where to start???
Had a yeasty beasty going once and my other half decided to go down on me. He’s not that good at it so I let him. Left the ol’ hoo haa a bit raw, but a quick swipe of the creamy cure (vagasil) and I was good to go again in a couple of days.
ROFL at Mommakiss. That’s awesome!
You know it’s been a long time when he yells at the half-awake child who wandered to your doorway “GOBACKTOBED! NOW!”
My WTF moments all involved our dogs.
Well, one of them.
The rescue puppy.
At first, she tried to “rescue” ME from whatever horrible thing was being done to me by The Man.
After a few months, she switched tactics and started licking The Man to get in on the action.
Now?
She doesn’t even lift her head off her dog bed. She just closes her eyes and sighs. “Oh. Yeah. They’re doing THAT again. Whatever.”
Sometimes she licks herself.
But mostly she just sleeps through it.
Gotta love adaptability.