Bloggy Boot Camp and Bacon!

Holy guacamole Occifer!  No, I’m not a head hunter, per se.   No, no, no, that’s not a …what the hell?  Is that a femur the neighbor’s dog is carrying around?

Maybe that’s what’s happened to that reader that left me.  Let that be a warning.

oh,  oops, I mean. Hello pretty heads over there.  Welcome, make yourself at home.  There’s dried oatmeal on the sofa cushions and cat hair on my comforter but the fridge is full again, watermelon chilling, Sangria, and hmmmm, I think Creole Shrimp and Linguine is for dinner. Stick around.

you there…put the seat down.

Alright, back THE BBC!…Don’t you love Ricky Gervais?  Man I miss the office.

Oh, THAT BBC!  Right.  Lost my head for a moment.  Probably left it on some bitch’s blog.  Love me some bitches.

So no one really wants to hear about the odd fixtures hanging from the ceiling of the meeting room that looked some sort of tassels…although now that I think about it maybe they were pasties for all the boobs in the room.  (Mad woman, seriously?  Don’t you think you’re trying too hard? Come on, boob jokes?  Really?)

You know its a natural association…it was colder than a witches tit in that meeting room …though I didn’t spy any headlights, darn it!  Of course I was looking.

I also need to come down to earth at some point and write my love letters to a couple of speakers.  I’m so nervous about writing them that I may suffer from performance anxiety.  I may turn into a blubbery mess and have to link to all the other bloggers that fell in love with these two gorgeous, talented generous women.

Besides bacon (bacon bacon bacon), who doesn’t love a little snark? (WTH, MW? That didn’t even make any sense!)  Let’s see if I can do this bitch some justice (bitch is a reference to this here post, hello.)

***the Mad Woman loves each and every attendee of the SF BBC, wants to have their babies, wear their jewelry, buy their stuff and be bestie bloggy buddies with everyone, so the following is a complete work of fiction, maybe.***

First let me say, most of the women that I had the opportunity to interact with were really lovely, that is, after we all had our coffee.  The first gal I met I wasn’t so sure about.  And maybe she was just cold but she warmed up and now (omg, covering my mouth to conceal my glee) I’m in her posse.  (Come on, dudes.  don’t giggle like a couple of school boys, I said POSSE, not PUSSY!).

Anywhooo, the room quickly filled up with all makes and models.  Some gals were sporting some serious COOOL  eyewear.  I don’t wear them but I may suddenly develop near sightedness.  I was seriously in lust with a couple of very smooth brunettes.  Seriously hhhhhhaaaawwwttt.  No, I didnt get a chance to check out their asses.  Damn…put that on the to do list/post.

Oh, snark. right.  Okay, so there was this gal there.  She was really pretty.  Lovely smooth hair, nicely matching accessories (though I think her purse was just a little out of season,…Easter is in April or May, right?)  So yeah, I’m shallow.  When I see a pretty face, I stick around to see if a pretty smile is part of the package.  A smile is an opening, you know.
Well, nope.  Pretty girl looked like she’d been sucking on a lemon, and it was getting tarter (tarter?) as the day wore on.  So of course my mind wandered.  Thinking perhaps she’s had sex once.  She did the dirty on her wedding night and then proceeded to hire a cleaning lady and a mistress for her husband.  Possibly the same lady.  Ooh, and you should have seen her face ANY time a speaker said the word “Twitter.”  You woulda thought someone was dropping the F bomb in church in front of the children.  I’m sure she has a lovely blog about how to properly fold napkins and when to fire the help.

Let me be fair, I showed up without having a clear view of how to present myself so I probably shouldn’t be throwing stones….but, why not. So target number 2.  Her face looked so familiar.  We chatted for a moment. She did have a card.  Here it is, hm. Jewelry design.  Cool, right?  Um…so where were the goods?  Come on, you were going to be in a room full of potential customers and you don’t bring your A game?  I’m confused.

Oh, thats right.  Humor, snark, impropriety is mine and yeah. I left mine at home too.  dammit, dammit, dammit.

What about the chic that was supposed to be a diet/lifestyle coach?  Um, again, why wouldn’t you show off the goods, right?…and yes, my ass looked good so I feel okay about saying that.  Thank you running and thank you Levis.

French whore….I used those two lovely words didnt I?   Well FW was a beautiful gal, lovely choice of clothing, hair style, impeccable makeup.  Truly, she smelled lovely too.  No question about that.  No question about that across the table from me. Even more clear when she SAT RIGHT BESIDE ME.  No, no, it’s not your perfume.  I usually get migraines when I’ve had my fill of caffeine and rest.  Maybe I do need glasses.  Or  maybe YOU DIDN’T NEED TO PUT ON MORE PERFUME AFTER LUNCH when the heat finally kicked in.

Hey, don’t look at me.  I wore my deod and some subtly scented lotion.

I don’t want to quit this on a sour note.  I was prepared to be annoyed to hell by a bunch of mommy bloggers and mommy issues.  I couldn’t have been more happy to be proven wrong.  Thank you SITS girls.

BTW, if you want to see some GORGEOUS pics from the conference, here is Kathleen’s post Check it out.  I’ll also link more as they are published.