I spill my guts again

No, this isn’t another prompted post, unless you mention Glee.  Just wait and see, okay?

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while and again, I’m going to blame this on the PG hormones though the truth is that I’m a sap and yeah, I’m owning it right here.  Last night as I was watching Glee with Maddy (lets try not to think about it being past her bedtime, mkay?) I couldn’t hold the tears back as I got up and danced with her during the last number.  (Furt, go watch it!)

Before I met Adonis, before I moved to San Francisco, I lived in Kansas City with my then fiance, J.  Our relationship was a mess, brought together by our mutual admiration of each other’s athletic ability, addiction to exercise and affection for snobby beer.  We were enamored at first. I hadn’t dated a man with a career before, someone who had his shit together.  He hadn’t dated a naughty girl before, I was a novelty. Eventually the things that drew us together pulled us apart.  His constant training for the next event (there was always an event!) took him away from me. Being the good girl to fit into the mold he (and his parents) expected stifled me.

We were a mess.

About that time, I got hooked on a silly band, Bare Naked Ladies. They’re a lot of fun, put on a great show and always amuse me.

Except for one song.

You’re going to shake your head and say, yes, that woman is indeed mad.

If I Had $1000000

I still can’t hear this song without breaking into tears by the third verse.

If you’re not familiar with the song, essentially its this long list that the singer would buy for his girl, if he had the money.  Some of the things are pretty ridiculous: exotic pets, a faux fur coat, the remains of the Elephant man, a limo to take to the store and on and on. But each chorus ended with “If I had a millions dollars, I’d buy your love.”

Silly, I know. But it always made me cry. J wouldn’t bat an eye at entry fees for his Ironman events, $200 running shoes, $4000 bike, $200/mo gym fees. He wasn’t made of money.  But any discretionary money, was spent on his training. And it hurt.

I wasn’t a demanding girlfriend. We were engaged for over a year and I never asked for a ring. We didn’t eat out much and when we did, I was conscious of the price of my meal. We didn’t have a fancy apartment, and I paid for all the decor and half the rent, I paid for the groceries, the utilities. I carried my weight.

But it hurt. It hurt that he didn’t make thoughtful little purchases, like bringing home my favorite beer or hell, picking some wild flowers while out on one of his 4 hour bike rides. So hearing this song always made me think that J would NEVER make silly purchases for me, or my love.

Right, you’re wondering what this has to do w/ some Glee episode.  Well, it featured another song that makes me cry: Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You are”".

Please tell me you know this song. No? Well here is the chorus:

When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you’re amazing, just the way you are.

Does this need any explanation?

I know that I’ve talked about having doubt, not being sure about the actions I’ve taken, the words I’ve used, the impressions I’ve left. That’s some miserable heavy shit to deal with.

To have someone say, “When I look at you, I’m bowled over, you are all I need, just the way you are” is like having prayers answered.  It’s emboldening. It’s like finally finding that one thing that fulfilled that craving, scratching that itch you couldn’t reach.  I’m failing here to express this well but this song, this song moves me to tears.

I don’t write this to ask you to tell me I’m enough. I’m getting there, thank you.

I write this because I’ve needed to verbalize these vulnerabilities.

And because I’m a sap.

And if you tell anyone, I’ll deny it.

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19 comments to I spill my guts again

  • Jessica

    One of the greatest gifts The Husband ever gave me was a series of short notes, two or three sentences long. He was leaving for an extended trip to Spain and left me one note to open each day he was gone. If the house is ever on fire, I’m grabbing that stack of notes before I run out the door.
    Jessica recently posted..It BeginsMy ComLuv Profile


  • John

    Wow. I can’t imagine someone being so ignorant of such a simple fix to such a complex problem. I understand exactly what you’re talking about…both been in you and your ex-fiancé’s shoes.

    I’m the guy who encourages wilder & wilder behavior from his toddler as the night grows later, so zip on the bedtime from me.

    And, as always, you’re worth the effort :-)
    John recently posted..On the road againMy ComLuv Profile


  • julie

    I can relate. Really.

    To the sappy part (where you cry at songs expressing unconditional devotion).

    To the part where you know for a fact that the person you are with will never return to you the same KIND of love you have for him.

    To the part where you think vulnerable, am-I-good-enough, torturous thoughts that CAN eat away at you a little each day. If you’re not careful, that is.

    I am glad you are working on that last part. And that you clearly have a better love relationship now than the one you shared with J.

    But as for the crying at lyrics that move you? And dancing with your daughter while you do it?

    Carry on, sister. That’s the best medicine anyone could prescribe.
    julie recently posted..Today call me aridMy ComLuv Profile


  • Cheryl @ Mommypants

    I can’t tell you how many times Glee has made me cry.

    Or certain songs.

    Love that one by BNL, btw..

    I am glad you know you’re amazing, just the way you are..


  • Coffeypot

    I think the important thing is you are working on yourself and not trying to get by on your good looks. You look for ways to make your life better and better for your family. That impresses me. Money is not everything either (unless you don’t have any) but, to me, it’s not ‘I want to by you this if…’ but ‘I want to buy you this because…’
    Coffeypot recently posted..New Advances in Redneck TechnologyMy ComLuv Profile


  • Kristy

    I’d pick an honest and loyal man over nice trinkets or gifts any day! :)
    Kristy recently posted..Top Ten TuesdayMy ComLuv Profile


  • magnolia

    ok, confession time: i tear up every single time i hear “(can’t live without your) love and affection” by nelson. my ex-husband and i took lots of long car trips. we would rock out to all kinds of cheesy 80s-early 90s songs. i was melody, he was harmony. same thing also happens whenever i hear damn yankees’ “high enough.”
    magnolia recently posted..ooh stylishMy ComLuv Profile


  • michelle

    Love both those songs


    michelle recently posted..State of the UnionMy ComLuv Profile


  • Symdaddy

    And there I was … sitting minding my own business … thinking you were just another crazy woman with a wicked sense of humour!

    Now I see that you are a true romantic at heart.

    No, I’m not making fun of you. There are a few things in my life that bring tears to my eyes (and I’m a roughie-toughie ex-soldier).
    Perhaps the silliest (some think) of these things are the scenes in “We Were Soldiers”, the story of America’s first major engagement in Vietnam, Col. Moore’s wife delivered the telegrams to the wives of servicemen that had died.

    It always makes me think of friends and fellow servicemen who lost their lives during, and after, my years of service.

    I also learned long ago that relationships shouldn’t be based on buying power alone. Expensive gifts mean very little when all that you want is a sign that your partner cares and actually loves you. Breakfast in bed, a hand to hold or a hug when needed could be of far greater value than a new car, necklace or an expensive holiday.

    Sometimes little things far outweigh grand gestures in importance!

    What a shame so few people realise this.
    Symdaddy recently posted..Doors- Pants- Elephants And A Visitor From GodMy ComLuv Profile


  • tulpen

    I watched that episode again the other night too. And cried like a baby again.

    Also Love Bare Naked Ladies… thought it doesn’t make me cry… I get it.

    You big pussy.
    tulpen recently posted..Shit Uncle Rusty Has SaidMy ComLuv Profile


  • Ella

    I had a similar experience with my ex. I think in the 2 years we went out he paid for things 4 maybe 5 times and honestly, only 1 time did he ever buy me anything just because nor for my birthday anything like that.

    He did dedicate that Bruno Mars song to me.
    I cry everytime I hear it.


  • Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points

    Ok, so together, polished funny me has a horrible, insecure, high-maintenance alter-ego.

    This is horrible in relationships, as I always knew that the confident woman was what was initially attractive, and that I was guilty of perpetual bait-and-switch.

    But Himself insists that there is nothing different about the insecure needy-me. That it’s just one side of an incredibly beautiful woman.

    it’s okay to want that, and need that, and know that the love exists for all sides of you. Not just the pretty ones.

    But your pretty sides, hon, are pretty damned smokin’.
    Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted..And the Chicken Has No HeadMy ComLuv Profile


  • Natalie

    My ex gave me gifts…lots of gifts. And after awhile, I realized there was a connection between our fights and getting gifts. And I started to hate getting them.

    A man who can so freely tell you and show you how much you mean to him is SO much more than a gift any day.

    Now if I could just learn to say it as eloquently as Lori just did…
    Natalie recently posted..Me And MoneyMy ComLuv Profile


  • gigi

    That’s one of my favorite BNL songs. It doesn’t make me cry, but I can see how it might you, with that backstory.

    haven’t you always wanted a monkey?
    gigi recently posted..My Hollywood TV Show PitchMy ComLuv Profile


  • jaime

    i decided to break up with a boyfriend after hearing “unanswered prayers” on the radio one day. who would have thought that garth brooks would reduce me to tears and finally make me wise up to what a prick my boyfriend was…

    i won’t tell you’re a sap if you don’t tell anyone i am too. at least you can blame it on the hormones… i have no such excuse ;)
    jaime recently posted..New Years ResolutionsMy ComLuv Profile


  • Pamela

    It’s the whole I wanna be wooed thing. It all happens in the beginning then filters out. I wish it didn’t filter out…
    Pamela recently posted..When its no longer considered postpartum depressionMy ComLuv Profile


  • Mandy's Kidding

    There are songs that are forever intertwined with the memory of past loves and disasters.


  • mommakiss

    Mad woman, I know you’re not trying to make me cry, are you? Dammit. Love BNL (Call & Answer is my weak spot) and being amazing just the way you are is the only way I see ya lover.


  • Morgan B.

    I love that you are a sap. I really, really, really love it.


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