And then the loneliness sets in.

First of all, I’m sorry to disappoint, no booby shots today. Sure, right, I need to to laundry, yeah, that’s it. Nothing frilly to drape across these amazing fun jugs I’ve been sporting. RIGHT!

So the 30 Days of Truth continues. Today’s prompt: Someone who has made your life worth living for. Well that sounds easy enough, right?  I’m a mom and a wife, a sister, daughter, cousin, niece, aunt, granddaughter, great aunt (hee!), good friend, sometimes friend, neighbor and the list goes on and on.  There’s got to be someone in that big mix of family and aquaintances that would fit the bill.

Sure, my daughter or my husband would be easy and expected. And there is the normal socially acceptable part of me that says, yup, that’s the answer…GO!

Well, it is a day of truth and so I must be.

My person worth living for:  me.

Yes, my daughter can brighten my day. Hearing her say she loves me, melts me. But I’m a daughter. The sweet and light doesn’t always last and won’t always be within arm’s reach.

My husband, funny, handsome, capable husband, you are a dear. When you get me, I feel on top of the world and loved. When you don’t, alone.

Which sort of leads me back to me. And if I’m going to live for me, I better be the best me I can be, right? I could pick up any number of women’s magazines that will tell me to take care of myself, pursue my own interests, make myself happy and I’ll be a better mother, wife, friend etc.

They sure make it sound easy, don’t they?

I think I was doing okay for a while.  Dealing with seasonal depression and the challenges of being fertility challenged didn’t get me down for too long.

Then I found blogging.

Funny thing is that I started writing this blog to find myself, voice my silly thoughts, and be, well, myself.

And then I discovered what temptations the world of blogging held. The adoration, popularity, compassion, ATTENTION from an endless supply of friends, fans and phenoms.  Of course there would be a price to pay.

I’ve tasted for a moment the sweet nectar of the comment from the blogger I’ve idolized.  I’ve gotten myself all in a tizzy over crazy traffic or page views. And I’ve made IRL connections.

Then the shine wears off, the idols stay away and numbers start to fall.

And so does my ego, down this horrible spiraling staircase of doubt, envy, jealousy to a hard marble floor of cold bitter loneliness.

It’s frightening how quickly it can happen. And what seemingly insignificant events can trigger it.

And this is just the blog!

This past weekend I had this wonderful opportunity to lunch with some very talented and smart women. Only those who really know me would have any idea how incredibly intimidated I was to be in the company of this group. No, I’m pretty sure what they saw was a desperate clown, doing anything for a laugh.

It’s my defense mechanism. Be funny, be loud and maybe no one will notice that you don’t have anything of value to add to the conversation. Be sure to have an arsenal of poop stories or isn’t my kid so cute stories to hide the fact that you feel shame over not feeling the mystical connection to motherhood.

Mad Woman, you’re nuts. It was just a lunch. These women are just going to go back to their homes and carry on with their blogs and chuckle over your antics.  Why you making a big deal out of this?

Because I wasn’t the best me I could be, that’s why. I don’t want to be known as the silly woman who flashed everyone her panties. I don’t want to be remembered for only talking about boobs.

I want to be of value.  I want to be wanted. And I want to be enough.

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53 comments to And then the loneliness sets in.

  • julie

    Brilliant. You are brilliant. And funny. And lovely. And I didn’t see the direction you were going with the topic and first, then LOVED what you did.

    Because you are worth it.

    I wasn’t at your weekend lunch.

    But I know the feelings you shared in this post.

    And I hope that when you read this comment, you will realize you aren’t alone.
    But you know that already, don’t you? Really? If not. Know it now.

    You are enough.


  • John

    You have never failed to make me smile, laugh, want to cry simply by writing.

    That spiral of doubt? We all feel it. You’re ALWAYS worth the click. You’re ALWAYS worth the read. Thank you for being you.


  • By Word of Mouth

    Anyone who can be THAT honest about her fears, that forthright about her needs, that light that looks within – is a person I want to know. Forget the smoke, telling people want they want to hear – thats the easy stuff. Sitting back and facing the real you, the person that looks out at you every day … writing this post, putting that person out there … thats the person I want to be friends with.
    Hope you are coming to Blogher girl, I am sitting at the bar with you and having a drink!


  • Coffeypot

    If it were me at the lunch, I would prefer to just enjoy you. I don’t care about the perfect, sparkling you. I know you have the bad, sad you, too. But what makes you you is the normal everyday you. That would be a very interesting person to know. That and you could show me your boobs. That would make the lunch.


  • CDG

    Listen up, lady. We all deal with our insecurities differently, and I have a sneaking suspicion each of those wonderful women was flying an undetected freak flag in her own way. Don’t sweat it.

    I’d love to hang with the Mad Woman!

    Next time there’s a NorCal lunch? I’m flying out and hearing all of your poop stories. And if you show me your panties? I’ll just swoon!


  • Blessing @ Working Mom Journal

    First off, you are a piece of work. I love your writing style….And no, you are value added. I think we all feel that way. I just got promoted at work, and when I had to go meet folks that will be reporting to me, who are 30-40+ years older than me, you have to understand how intimidated I was. I think I would have loved your sense of humor, and all the poop stories – they probably did.

    [email protected]


  • Venom

    Listen up Sister – you’re good enough and then some. All that & a bag of chips.
    Don’t ever let anyone try to tell you different.
    Most especially, don’t do it to yourself because there are plenty of assholes out there who will FOLLOW YOUR LEAD in forming, maintaining, and adjusting their opinions of you.

    My favourite quote of all time – totally relevant here – watch for my post about it coming up soon.

    I heart you.


  • Jax

    You are incredible! By the title I was afraid to read (I have a fear of always being alone), but upon reading I absolutely love it. Give yourself some credit for the person who you are because you will be remember for more than just your boobs :)


  • BLissed-Out Grandma

    Your last couple of paragraphs are really powerful. We all know those feelings, and we all have different ways of dealing with them. I suspect you embarked on this month of truth in order to get more in touch with subjects on which you have a lot more to say. The other thing I would say is, we each need to be our own best audience. Because once in a while we don’t get a lot of comments, or compliments, and we need to remember that doesn’t mean we didn’t have something valuable to say. The authentic you has a lot going on. Hit us with it!


  • Redshoes51

    Just as long as we are the best we can be at any point in time. We can’t ALWAYS be on our A Game. I had a bad semester this past Fall… had pneumonia in October and had a Hell of a time recovering from it. At the end of the semester, I apologized to each of my classes for just not being able to come through for them.

    The received the benefit of the doubt from the grades that I did give most of them.

    I will be better this semester.

    It’s just as long as we do the best we can do… it can’t always be our best, sweetie…



  • Morgan B.

    You are enough. Anyone who knows you, or reads this blog, knows that you are more than boobs and sexy time talk. We come back because your words mean something and you are important to us. Don’t second guess yourself. xoxo


  • Jessica

    “Today you are you. This is truer than true. There is no one alive that is you-er than you”

    - Dr. Suess


  • Nichole

    The trouble with what you’ve written here is that you have underestimated us, the women with whom you shared lunch.
    You’ve overlooked the fact that we’re wise and perceptive and observant.

    We’ve watched your kind eyes, the way that you listen, the tenderness in your smile.
    You think you distract us with your panties, and we may laugh, but we see past it.

    We see the woman that we have come to love.
    We see the intelligence and the loyalty.
    We see how lucky we are to know you.

    We weren’t born yesterday, my beautiful friend.

    And while you have great boobs and an awesome bum, those attributes don’t hold a candle to who you are inside…the woman that we adore.

    I love you, you mad woman.
    Inside and out.
    Laughing and serious.
    All of you.
    So very much.


  • Paige

    Fact – I changed 10 times that morning. Trying to look effortlessly casual.
    Fact – I was nauseous on the way there from nerves.
    Fact – And I said it, I felt like the kid at the grown-ups table.

    I may be new to blogging and have been first drawn to your silly side, but I do think I am a good read of people (I do it for a living) and you struck my as funny on the outside and sweet and complex on the inside. I think anyone who puts themself out there for a blog struggles with our struggles. I know you can’t just put those feelings on a shelf, but know you’re not alone.


  • Natalie

    You know what’s awesome about blogging? The honesty. You are being honest with yourself, but with all of us too. When I (finally) meet you, I’ll know all of this about you, and I’ll be just as excited and happy to meet you as if we were old friends meeting for lunch. Because I’ll KNOW you. I like you even more now that you’ve told me all of this, and I trust and know that what Nichole said is true. When we meet, expect a hug like one you’d get from an old friend…and probably a boob bump too ;)


  • Tim@sogeshirts

    Very cool that you can share with everyone how you really feel. Other than that I have not much more to say cause the Dr. Seuss lines can’t be topped.


  • Symdaddy

    Have you read those comments? Do you feel silly now?

    You should! Oh yes, you really should!

    There are people out there that, like a hardcore junkie, need their daily dose of the Fruit-cake Lady. I do! And despite what I’ve said in the past, I’ve never even seen your knickers (‘panties’ is such a tiring word)!!!

    Look at those comments again, deary.

    Value? Priceless!

    Wanted? YEAH (er, how BIG is your husband exactly?)

    Enough? Oodleplex’s of enough!


  • [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jill Krause and Mads Mom. Mads Mom said: I couldn't ask for better readers. And some quote the wise Dr. Seuss! LOVE! [...]

  • Melissa (Confessions of a Dr.Mom)

    I sincerely second what Nichole said. She said it more beautifully than I could. Even though I just met you, I loved your humor, spirit, and kindness. It all shines through and I was so happy to meet you. You have spark my friend and not just because you had super hot red boots and a cute tushy;)

    BTW, I was nervous too. I have no idea what everyone thinks of me. All I know is I wanted to meet other like minded women who love to write and share their stories and I certainly met some incredibly talented and kind women. You included my dear!

    SO lovely meeting you and I SO appreciate your honesty in this post :)


  • kris

    Oh, lovely you.

    You are so amazing to be so brave like this. To lay yourself out like this . . . all vulnerable and doubting and scared. You are so amazing.

    Did you see me at that lunch?

    No, you did not.

    Will you see me at a lunch like this in the near future?

    No, you will not.

    Babe, you are enough.

    You are you.

    All you ever get to be in this life.

    Treasure that.

    You are you and more than enough.


  • moooooog35

    I think you forgot someone.

    *cough cough


  • Jackie

    You’re doing amazing with this 30 Days of Truth! So far this has to be my favorite post of all.

    You’re right. Absolutely right! We need to live for ourselves even though our kids, husbands, significant others, and families are so important to us!

    My guess is that even if you acted silly everyone could see the real you and still loved you! Another thing… everyone gets super nervous when meeting someone for the first time!

    I bet the lunch was amazing!


  • RottenMom

    This is so damn good. I can relate to this in so many ways. I just discovered your blog and I already know you are so much more than a panty flashing boob talker. Thanks for your honesty.


  • gigi

    Wow…powerful post, lady. I always admire your way of cutting right to the heart of a matter. I think you speak for many of us, who each have our own insecurities about being accepted, liked,admired for who we are.

    You are enough.



  • Varda (SquashedMom)

    Incredibly raw and honest post. Thank you for being so very brave as to write this. To put voice to those deep seated fears, those insecurities and jealousies we all share.

    (I am currently muttering to myself “21 comments, how does she always get so may comments when my posts rarely generate more than a dozen? Do people love her more?”)

    We are all always afraid we are never enough. But we are just that.

    Listen to the ladies who lunched with you and see reflected in their eyes who they met in you. Much love there. And love is stronger than fear. It has to be.


  • erin margolin

    I’m sure if we all admit it? We’re all feeling the EXACT same things. Or at least I am, and I’m happy to find my very own feelings right here on YOUR blog. I am going to Blissdom in 2 weeks and I’m going to shit my pants I’m so intimidated, scared, and anxious. I don’t know that many people going, but I want to network and learn things and be surrounded by smart, amazing, witty and talented women. But I am worried I don’t/won’t belong there. And your post has opened up something in me and made me cry. Thank you for sharing this.


  • Sherri

    I agree with Nichole, 100%.

    We are what we are, and if we were all perfectly coifed and elegant, perfect in our words and phrases….how boring would that be?

    And because of your blogging, your opening up to this world you’ve set your feet firmly down in? We see you. And we get to know you.

    And it’s a good thing. Keep it up, my dear. You are talented, funny, and there’s a lot going on in that mind of yours. A lot to be proud of.


  • Cold As Heaven

    No boobs, but good post >:)


  • magnolia

    isn’t it just a blast (heh) how these feelings sneak in and sabotage you when you least expect it? i get this way far more often than i care to admit. it’s only been VERY recently that i’ve been able to admit as much to myself. strangely, it’s taken the man, the one person in this world who a) has known me forever and b) cares enough to call me on it, to shake me out of the funk when it hits me.

    rest assured that even those of us who just know you through the blog world can see more than silly. no one who writes the way you do is just a clown.


  • Shell

    Oh, girl, we’d so get along. I get it.


  • Cheryl @ Mommypants

    Nichole put it perfectly.

    You are so much more than a preggo who flashes her panties.

    You are funny, smart, interesting and you underestimate the quality of your you-ness.

    Being you is enough. Without all the bells and whistles.

    It’s enough.

    But I still liked your boots.


    Varda (SquashedMom) Reply:

    Did you just say you liked her “boots”… with a “t”? Typo? You sure? ;-)


  • mommakiss

    Oh my heart.
    I’m sorry it took me so long to get my ass online.

    I’ve met you and your bouncing self. I know you better than you think. And I trust you with more words than you know.

    This is so good. For you and for me.

    I have so much love for you ladycakes.


  • Jill


    I cannot wait to meet you, you know whenever that may be. I am so impressed with your post. Your honesty. The rawness of your emotion. Wow. I have only been reading your blog for a few months, but what you see of yourself is not who I think you are. You are more than funny and boobs (although I see boobs all over the place). YOU are not a stat, a comment, a reply. You are however, just a tiny piece of the words that you write. What I see coming out in this 30 days of truth is YOU. And it’s being embraced. And cherished. And love is coming at you from all directions, specifically Colorado. Mwah. So accept it.


  • Coolwhipmom

    You are enough!! You are amazing and wonderful and hilarious and you have lots of beauty to share with the world!! I wish I could have been there this weekend!! It was so nice getting to meet you in person and I feel incredibly honored that the first blogger I ever got to meet IRL is you!! I went into a black hole this weekend, but am coming out now. Sorry I am just now reading this post and heading over next to readyour post on our first meeting!! Wheeeee!! Believe in yourself, lovely lady. You are incredible.


  • KLZ

    Oh, the hypocrisy of blogging.

    It’s true I just do this for “me”. Well, and you. And you, and you, and you.

    Wait, who was I doing this for again?


  • Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points

    Oh sweet one.

    I’m glad Nichole pinged this post because I might have missed it.

    I was SO glad you were coming.

    SO glad.

    I wanted to hear your laugh, and talk to you, and hug you. I wanted to be the butt of your teasing and tease you back. I wanted to smile at you and hear your stories (which we BARELY got to do what with all the STUFF).

    You are everything I want you to be. And I see – I KNOW – so often what humor is. Why do think I’m so good at it?

    And you are, indeed and without question, the person you are most worth living for.

    And how lucky are we to live in a world that has you in it?


  • Karen Peterson

    It sounds to me like you ARE worth it, 100%. I bet those ladies felt lucky to have you in their company.


  • Kristy

    Everything you want or need is already within you. No one else can give it to you. I love the honesty of this post, and I guarantee you that so many women relate, including myself. It seems we know these things intellectually, but when it comes to believing it and feeling it…that’s a little harder. Here from the RDC link-up!


  • Leigh Ann

    What an insightful answer. And I totally agree about the blog persona thing. Sometimes i feel like I need to be someone I’m not on twitter or in my blog, so I can hang with all of these other awesomely funny writers I idolize. And if one of them leaves a comment? I am over the moon! But in reality, I started doing this for me, and that always comes out in my writing and pushes the faker out. Loved this post.


  • Meghan

    “It was just a lunch” might be my new mantra… ;)

    It was just a lunch.
    It was just a dinner.
    It was just a party.

    Likey likey. :)


  • Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation

    Can I just tell you how sad I am that I missed all of you in Napa. I can’t wait to meet you!! ONE day soon!!! I love your honesty and how you are just yourself. Totally and completely dig it.
    Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation recently posted..Happy MomentsMy ComLuv Profile


  • Kim

    What a great statement. So glad I popped by.
    Kim recently posted..How to Pick Your Kids Up From School on a Snowy DayMy ComLuv Profile


  • Treading Wine « Slightly Off-Balance

    [...] to a Mad Women who inspired me to share the hard, not always funny, parts of [...]

  • Alexandra

    Congrats on being PrettyAllTrue’s featured blogger.

    Your post here today, so familiar to me.

    And I know.

    In public here, all I’ll say is that.

    Awesome post.

    That’s the beauty of the internet: connecting.

    Alexandra recently posted..VodkamomMy ComLuv Profile


  • Angie

    Found you via Kris at Pretty All True.

    I related to so much of this. If I’m feeling insecure or vulnerable, I start tap dancing to create a diversion. Figuratively – I don’t actually tap dance. Much.

    This is a brave post. Thank you for sharing.
    Angie recently posted..Fair PlayMy ComLuv Profile


  • Capability

    Wonderful, honest post and you really captured the slightly addictive behavior that blogging can inspire.
    Capability recently posted..Math Isn’t So Scary With Help From These Monsters – NPRMy ComLuv Profile


  • Renee

    I was just imagining being at one of those lunches the other day. You just described exactly how I imagined feeling. So I’m guessing that if more than one person feels that way? A lot more do too.
    Which means we’re all worried about how others see us. And if that is only you and me, then at least we’re not alone.
    Renee recently posted..Walking on EggshellsMy ComLuv Profile


  • WTH am I Doing

    I know this feeling. I have many funny anecdotes, etc. to keep people from seeing the real and (as I believe) inadequate me. There are so very few that I trust with the real me…and even those? Only see pieces…unless they get me drunk. Really drunk.
    WTH am I Doing recently posted..A trip or 5 to the DMVMy ComLuv Profile


  • Jessica

    THIS was amazing and I needed to read it. I always feel that I am the only one alone in my insecurities and envy the women who can be the life of the party with the boob and poop jokes. Never would I think that a bit of self-doubt was under that persona. Thank you for taking the time to share the real you. This is a post I will not soon forget.
    Jessica recently posted..Going For the GoldMy ComLuv Profile


  • Alex@LateEnough

    IRL is hard. Which is why I didn’t even spell it out.

    The hardest part is that enough comes from within. {sigh} But look around these comments, at least we aren’t lonely in our struggle.
    Alex@LateEnough recently posted..Princess SolidarityMy ComLuv Profile


  • Tracie

    I don’t know you. I had never read your blog before Kris featured you (which was my loss…where have I been all this time)

    But reading this, I see a little bit of myself. I have been the woman who is loud and out there and trying furiously to cover my own insecurities. Kicking myself even as I do it. Wanting to be loved for me, but hiding myself behind a mask.

    You are of value. You are enough. Your heart, and your true self shines out through your words and touches mine…you are powerful with your voice.
    Tracie recently posted..It Is the Thought That CountsMy ComLuv Profile


  • Lori Stefanac

    I love your honesty. I love that you let us take a peek behind the “funny lady” curtain. I think so many of us hide there. And so many of us are fragile creatures behind the giggles. I agree with you that an encouraging word from a respected blogger can send you through the roof and a negative one? Well, it can be soul crushing. But knowing how many of us are just reaching out, looking for connections and feeling similarly vulnerable? Strangely it makes me feel so much better.


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