TMI: Lets get it started, Lets get it started in here.

Oh, what?  You guys aren’t Black Eyed Peas fans?  Come on, My Humps is pure lyrical genius!  Don’t Phunk with My Heart?  Don’t Phunk with the BEPs!

Alright, that wasn’t what this was all about, I was just having a little fun.  And darn it, when I get one of these damn songs in my head, it stuck there all day.  Boom Boom POW!

I’ve been DYING to write about bedroom stuff.  Today seems to be the only day where I have the brain power and freedom to let it all out.  Sorry to keep you waiting.

Can I see a show of hands for those of you who have fetishes.

Yeah, that’s what I thought.  We’ll be expecting a full report.

For those of you who don’t know if you have a fetish, you probably don’t.  Wearing heels in bed, not a fetish.  Doing it in the kitchen, bathroom, backyard, not a fetish.  Doing it out in public, maybe.

If you don’t then you’re on the vanilla team.  Those of you who have fetishes know what that means.  Those of you who don’t:  if you like a particular position over all others, nope. That’s vanilla.  Like it a little rough sometimes or maybe the occasional pair of handcuffs or a blind fold. still vanilla.  If you can’t get excited until the leather and whips come out, then, my friends you have a fetish.

Some I totally get.  Foot fetishes, sure.  Had your toes sucked?  Its kinda hot.  And come on, shoes can be totally sexy.  (Oh, if you’re looking down at your Uggs, please, go sit in the corner….that’s an immediate time-out.)

Urophila, that I don’t get.  You don’t have to look it up, I’ll tell you.  It’s finding pleasure in peeing, in public, on others, being peed on.  Sorry, you can keep your golden showers.

So, now you’re wondering, well, Mad woman, what’s yours?  Um.

Yeah, I’m vanilla, with an occasional splash of Hot Chocolate, or maybe some Grappa.  Hold the soy milk.
I may have to explain that at some point, I know.

Another fetish I don’t completely understand is paddling.  Receiving or giving.  Is it about discipline?  Is it about exerting power over another person?  Do they just like the look of red buns?  How does one develop this fetish?

I don’t have the answers.  I however do have a husband who likes all things tushy.  We were a great match at first.  I have (okay, HAD) a nice round rump, all those years of cycling and hiking hills firmed these puppies nicely.  And I liked the attention my humps got me.  I was just what Hubs was looking for.

We had been dating a couple of months and one night after several beers and several smart alecky remarks, the then BF decided I needed a good spanking.  Other than a few strappings as a kid, this was not something with which I was familiar.  But like I said, I did like the attention.  I don’t know if it went down the way he would have preferred.  There was a lot of squealing, wrestling and giggling.  I know I slid off his lap quite a few times.  The next morning, my rump was black and blue.  It wasn’t that bad since I worked retail and rarely sat.

Not sure at what point it all escalated to paddling.  Being a good sport I did buy us a small paddle.  Weird thing is I bought in a snobby little curio shop in vanillaville (also known as the Marina, in S.F).  BF was grateful for the gesture, though not impressed.  (Yeah, I was pretty nervous about the whole thing and the paddle screamed that fear.)

Another quirky thing about the BF/Hubs is that he is intensely private.  (He REALLY hates that I have a blog where I talk about him, thus the anonymity.)  I’ve asked repeatedly for him to explain why HE likes paddling (both giving and receiving, but mostly giving, generous dude that he is.).  I first tried the humorous approach which was totally the WRONG way to go about it.  He takes this shit pretty seriously.

He’s from Texas and corporal punishment was the rule rather than the exception.  Hell his gym teacher would paddle the guy who finished last in a foot race!

I’ve learned to live with it, found ways to make it work for me but mostly I’m just along for the ride.

Unless you get a few drinks in me.  Then watch out, this girl is gonna get a little crazy.  Get out the high heels and garter belts and whatever else you like b/c we’re gonna have a gooooood time.

Okay class, any questions?  comments?  One at a time please.

Oh, yes, there is more to follow!

14 Responses to TMI: Lets get it started, Lets get it started in here.
  1. coffeypot
    February 28, 2010 | 1:35 am

    I like vinalla. There is a lot of fun to be had in that flavor. Though I'm not opposed to other flavors, I ususally do not introuduce them into the event. If there is something you like, tell me. I'll see what I can do about it.

  2. Miss Yvonne
    February 28, 2010 | 3:06 pm

    Hmmm, must be a Texas thing. Because my husband also enjoys the spanking. I'm from Minnesota, so I'm all "Can't I just go to jail for a few minutes and then get out with a slap on the wrist?".

    Hahaaaa, that was a political prison joke. Get it?? I'm hilarious.

  3. redshoes51
    February 28, 2010 | 3:10 pm

    Hmmm… When I was dating Robin, just before bedtime, she excused herself to go to the restroom… she told me to go ahead and get in bed… she would be there shortly… when she came out, WOW!!! all decked out in white lacy stuff… with thigh highs!!! And her legs carried it off quite well!!!

    And this other time, this woman that I 'somewhat' knew decided to stop by my apartment while on her way to work one morning… it was in December… she was at the door in this long coat… told me she was freezing and if she could come in… of course, I said 'of course'… and when she took her coat off, she was only sporting boots and panties…


    Maybe my fetish is sexy clothing… lingerie… being sexually surprised…


  4. Juliana
    February 28, 2010 | 4:36 pm

    You are sooooo funny! I love the TMI posts! One of my best friends girlfriends loves to pee during sex. We found out from the guys she slept with in college. EWWWWWWW Sorry to anyone who likes that kind of stuff–but eww. I mean when do you realize that you like to do that? Weird.

    I love that you tagged this TUSHY TIME!

  5. UberGrumpy
    February 28, 2010 | 7:44 pm

    Cool post! I've learned lots today. I thought Urophilia was what you called fans of Uri Geller. And paddling was what you did when you hadn't learnt to row.

    Anyway I don't have a fetish; when I dress up as Batman and leap from the wardrobe to the chandelier, it's just a keep-fit thing. Honest

  6. lifebeginsat30ty
    February 28, 2010 | 8:26 pm

    Hahaha. Well, I'm glad a gal with a good-shaped bottom could meet up with a paddler aficionado! My undergrad is anthropology. I once took this human sexuality class that was fascinating. Saying that all us humans are on a spectrum of sexuality. Aka, the snowflake theory. Your husband's snowflake is just in the shape of a paddle :D

  7. jillvt
    February 28, 2010 | 11:04 pm

    Erm, I did go through a spanking/spankee phase for a while…then decided it just hurt.

    I'll keep exploring, though.

  8. Mad Woman
    March 1, 2010 | 2:02 am

    Must be, though I hear his brother has other tastes that have NOTHING to do w/the bumpkis.
    Yes, my dear, you HIlarious.

  9. Mad Woman
    March 1, 2010 | 2:03 am

    Come on shoes, who DOESN'T like sexy clothing/lingerie. Though I would have to say I probably don't like surprises, at least not bedroom related.

  10. Mad Woman
    March 1, 2010 | 2:05 am

    Juliana, your comment reminded me of a friend who gave another friend a um, hand. She then drew a smiley face on his stomach with the results. Now SHE's a funny girl. Though the relationship went no where.

  11. Mad Woman
    March 1, 2010 | 2:07 am

    Do the acrobatics involve Robin? Where is Alfred in all this fun?

  12. Mad Woman
    March 1, 2010 | 2:15 am

    LBA30: Too bad I'm usually a big fat ray of sunshine on his snowflake. I would have been the immature giggling fool in that class.

  13. OWO
    March 1, 2010 | 9:10 am

    A couple of years ago I realized I had a thing for being slapped in the face. I'd never even thought about doing anything like that at all. Then one night I slept with this spicy Brazilian man and he was…Whew, well, he was hot. And right in the middle of proceedings he reared back and slapped me so hard my teeth rattled. I was shocked for about 5 seconds and then…well. Ahem.

    Anyway, people get all weirded out when I say I like it. I've had guys give it a try, but I've found that most of them can't commit. They give you a light slap across the cheek. They don't get it.

    Your paddling story made me laugh my ass off.

  14. mommakiss
    March 1, 2010 | 11:55 am

    I'm so vanilla I need like vanilla on top of my vanilla. I did date someone who had a foot fetish, though. And, well, I take care of my feet and they're cute. I swear, I'd touch him barefoot under a table – instant wood.

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