Or where did I leave my happy?
I’m feeling a little out of sorts lately. This is my place to sort out my wigged out head so bear with me or move on. I get it.
One of the things I’m trying to embrace is this idea of guarding myself against the toxicity of others. If I read a blog that doesn’t elevate me in some way I tend not to come back. Not that I can’t handle a sad story or the necessary rant but if it becomes a constant message then I have to walk away.
As I was driving home the other day, thinking about this post, the phrase “See and ye shall find” hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe I wasn’t seeking joy. But did that I mean I was seeking drama, despair, or disharmony?
Let me think about this:
1. I had an ultrasound this week. It showed a strong heartbeat and a little peanut growing right along schedule. I walked away unsatisfied.
2. Read a post by a good friend who talked about the various sides or faces of PPD. I had to think twice about the life I’ve lived since having my daughter. Sure being afraid of using knives in her presence is probably normal in the first month or so but questioning the decision to become a mom. Yeah, maybe I have some of this.
3. A really special friend’s birthday is tomorrow. I found such great pleasure in picking out a card for her, buying a little trinket and even help organize something SUPA special. But some monster in me is holding me back from feeling that now, keeping me from having any excitement. I am afraid to even speak to her because I don’t want her to know that I feel this way.
4. I mentioned last week that we let my 80ish coworker go. My boss really bungled it and continues to bungle any interaction with her. On top of it all, he doesn’t recognize the need to make amends. It hurts me to be his loyal, productive employee knowing how he hurt my friend.
5. Keeping that rant going….Bunny (80ish coworker) often said that Boss didn’t listen to her. Boss couldn’t be bothered with her concerns, even when it was in his best interest (the bank account was low, that big fat case he’s been working on needed his attention, etc.) Well I had known for a while the guy was scattered but today he showed me that he’s doing that to me. And I’m hurt, disappointed, sad. I love my job but this realization sucked the joy out of me.
6. Christmas plans are starting to come together. This is the time when I go spend about 10 days at my in laws, being spoiled, cared for, listened to and I let go of my fears, worries and anxieties. It’s a little slice of heaven. But at this moment, I can’t see the forest for the trees.
7. Is this hormonal? Are the tears running down my face simply because I’m pregnant? I don’t remember feeling this way w/ Maddy.
8. Chocolate! I should look there for my happy, right? I don’t have to share ALL of this candy with the punks that won’t say thanks anyway, right?
9. Sadly, I’ve also lost some of my ass. It seems to be sliding down the back of my legs. Perhaps I need to FIND the time to do the exercises on that sheet sitting at my desk.
10. Maybe I just need to distract myself with a new recipe, a short term hobby, some purging of the junk lying around here. One trip to the trash can. Yup, that definitely feels better.
11. Or just maybe I need to take some things OFF my plate. Yeah, this is a notice. There just may be a little less Mad Woman to spread around next month. (Not literally, of course!) I do promise to give my monthly boob shot! (So excited to watch these puppies fill in!)
12. Tears are drying a little. Since this is lost and found….I’ve lost the ability to shove down the green monster. Totally lusting for ANOTHER new car, and maybe so new shoes. Who’s got a solution? I’ve really been trying to bury my head in the sand but but but….that Porche sedan I saw today, it’s calling my name! Lexus has quite a loud voice too. BMW, swoon. My credit card (and Adonis when he reads this) is moaning!
13. I know, some of this would have made for a good Friday rant but I am just not feeling that much levity. And I’m kind of tired of flipping myself off. Please joy, come out of hiding. I know you won’t be found in a Starbucks cup or at the end of a finished report or even at the end of this post. But please, come out, come out, wherever you are.
BTW, comments bring me joy. You don’t want to see me cry again, do you?
Nothing wrong with a good funk. I personally enjoy a good funk.
Both my pregnancies had vastly different effects on my emotions… I’d say it is safe to blame the mood on the peanut.
Sorry to hear about your ass. Mine continues to grow out and around… The only place left for it to go is down my legs. I’ll let you know when that happens.
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If it doesn’t creep you out, email me a postal address; I have a care package in the works for you.
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You better get your fucking happy on for tomorrow. I love you. All of you. Don’t not talk to me.
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I’ve never been pregnant and I’m not a mom, so I will leave the mommy and pregnancy related advice to those who know better. But I do just have “those days” sometimes… like today I woke up at 4 am all anxious and aflutter with worry and grief of a million small and seemingly meaningless things. So I try to say a little prayer of gratitude for the things I am thankful for. It’s hard to switch the focus and sometimes everything in me clings to the negative not wanting to let go, comfortable in that place of self pity and worry. But if I stick with it long enough, and breath and focus, I can usually move my thoughts elsewhere.
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The funk is the worst. Hopefully it’s just pregnancy hormones that are getting you down. I’d suggest some wine and good food, but wine probably isn’t the best idea, but good food always cheers me up… but I’m an emotional eater… so yeah.
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hope you feel better soon. these moods are the worst.
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Now being a man I have never been pregnant (though with my beer belly I have been asked when it’s due – I tell them I’m having a baby elephant and the trunk is showing now) but you do seem to be going through a hormonal phase – or a withdrawal to wine and other alcoholic delights – or sanity or something. So take a few days off and just enjoy yourself and the little butter bean growing inside you. We will always be here when you get back panting and salivating with anticipation of the next boob shots.
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So, instead of belly shots, we’re going to see boob shots? There’s a theme developing here…
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Asses are always sliding down. It’s gravity. I bet yours is looking great (hint) >:)
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i love you dear girl. this too shall pass…hang on. the sunshine will break through. i suggest a nice long alone drive with some great music…and a snack of something chocolate to eat while you are doing that. smooch!
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Tissue’s at hand, the ‘daddy’ sidles in through the back door and heads for the kitchen. He makes it all the way to the fridge and freshly made punch without being observed.
Cautiously, he widdles in the punch and snatches a handful of sandwiches (the ones she makes with nutella and pickles) before searching for those elusive crumbs of chocolate cake which she hides so well.
Ah-ha!
She’s having a little lie on the sofa … didn’t know she snores!
Slipping quietly upstairs, the ‘daddy’ rifles through her drawers and closets … there has to be some cake here somewhere!
After what seemed like hours, but was in fact only a matter of minutes, the ‘daddy’ finds what he has been searching for … a Black Forest Gateau of enormous proportions hidden in the laundry basket.
Carefully removing yesterday’s underwear, he stuffs the gateau down his throat.
“BURP!”
‘Why did I come here?’ wonders the ‘daddy’ as he slips back down the stairs.
Ah, yes!
In the living room, the mad lady is still sleeping.
The ‘daddy’ picks up a cushion and whacks her on the head.
“Cheer up girlie!” he say’s as she raises her head.
He makes his exit before a ‘Who the hell are you?’ can be hurled at him by the somewhat confused mad lady.
Over his shoulder he shouts “Oh, and by the way, you’re out of beer!”
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Aw. I feel for you. It might be hormonal, it might just be life. I’m always reminding my son, “It’s okay to cry.” So now I”ll remind you too.
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I think it’s just hormones my dear. This too shall pass so hang in there.
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Grab 10 minutes to yourself and take a walk. Some sunshine and endorphins will do you some good.
Seriously.
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I pretty much write off the first trimester – physically, emotionally – just know the end is in sight. And eat whatever you feel like, because it will probably be weird and not much!
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