Sexy time, a different perspective

Hi ya hot stuffs.

Have you been enjoying the guest posts?  Been missing MY voice on the matter?  Well I have a special treat for you:  ME!

As many of you know, it’s been a hard year for my sex life.  Multiple IVF cycles and one miscarriage has really put a damper on the bedroom action. Add to THAT fun is a toddler who has made it her missi0n to cockblock me.  Or is that TWATblock?  The kid REGULARLY wears me out, leaving me with no energy for the dance of the monster with two backs.  (Like that one?)

But recently I discovered just the trick to a successful session of boots knocking.  It takes a commitment but SO worth the effort.

1.  First you should have fertility issues.  Or maybe you could try this if its April 16 and your spouse (or you) is a CPA.  The point, you shouldn’t have sex for a LONG time!

2.  Enlist the help of a toddler.  This toddler will have to be skilled in the talents of depriving you of sleep, using you as a jungle gym and being well for lack of a better word, a toddler.

3.  Add 3 cats.  It has to be three, four if they’re fat and lazy.  You know cats.  You can’t depend on those fickle creatures.  One of them is going to let you down.  Be sure they’re trained to scratch at your door if you close them out, bath themselves quite loudly beginning the moment you’ve returned to bed after the toddler has been settled down for the 2nd time that night, and maybe even make sure they don’t like each other.  This really doesn’t work if they’re a pile of snuggle buddies.  The icing on the cake:  a schizophrenic feline with a oozing abscess.  THAT one will do wonders for building up your sexual frustration.

4.  Bonus tip, if you can manage to get pregnant in the middle of this warm up period, you are miles ahead.  The fatigue of the first trimester is key to denying yourself and your partner of sex.

With all this prep work done, your partner should be ready to jump you at any opportunity.

Are you ready?

The night of the big event, feed your kid, make sure the cats have water and check the bedside table.  Believe me, you don’t want to be reaching for the wrong lube at 3 o’clock in the morning.   (Yeah, for those who aren’t in the know, fertility treatments really mess with your body’s um, functions.)

Excuse me, I have a bottle to throw away.  Never again am I going to get so worked up and then feel like I’m having sex with a fine grade sandpaper.

Ladies, this is ME talking here.  You don’t have to shave your legs, wear some sort of lingerie that is going to leave you with a yeast infection or even put on deodorant that day.  He’s going to be ready and will take what he can get.

So, after putting the schizoid cat in a far away room where you won’t be able to him scratching, return to bed. Lay on your side away from your partner, but be sure to bump your rump against him. It’s really all it takes.  He’ll take the hint.

For YOUR maximum pleasure, just lie there.  Really!  Just lie there and enjoy every rub of the rear.  Let his hands roam.  Don’t stand in his way, roll into him a little as he works his way over your flannel jammies and kid stained t-shirt.

You’ll want to touch him but don’t.  His attention will get more intense the less you respond.  Don’t give him the cold shoulder.  A moan, faster breaths, a shudder here and there is all it will take to get his blood boiling.

When his hands do make it under your clothes, you’re probably ready to get on with the good stuff. Throw those stinkin’ socks across the room, swing that tshirt over your head a few times and shimmy out of those jammies. He’ll appreciate the effort.  But be sure to keep something close to wipe your hands on.  That lube is some sticky stuff.

Hopefully, you can take it from here, right?  I mean, unless you KNEW you were barren, I suspect you and your dude have tried making kids the old fashioned way (in the backseat of a car, on the kitchen counter, in a Burger King bathroom.)

I do hope I’ve given you the tools you need to get you and yours to the next level of intimacy and ecstasy.

Oops, before I forget:  For the love of all things HOLY, REMOVE THE BATTERIES FROM THE TALKING ELMO!  Trust me!

Before you leave, I do need your help.  Are you anxious to get some stuff off your chest and your blog isn’t the place for it?  Like to give you shot at some fantasy or maybe you’ve got a tale from college that you wouldn’t dare share, UNTIL NOW!!!!  I need some guest posters.

It can be for this sexy series or maybe you’ve got something else to share. Maybe you’ve got a Thursday 13 list that just doesn’t fit on your blog. Hit me up. I’ve got the place for you this month!

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20 comments to Sexy time, a different perspective

  • Cold As Heaven

    Just one more thing: Wait with that lube till he’s done with the tongue. It doesn’t taste very well, the lube I mean. And might be you won’t even need it afterwards >:)

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  • Jessica

    I thought “Talking Elmo” was going to be a euphemism.

    A few years back I received a creepy fortune-telling Yoda doll for Christmas. Squeeze his hand and he blurt out some words of wisdom. What I didn’t know was that if he remains inactive for 10-ish minutes he’ll randomly start talking again before shutting off for good. Nothing like getting in the mood to hear from across the room “Forgotten me, have you? [insert weird Yoda laugh]“.

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  • tulpen

    Hysterical.

    Hubs and I still go at it like bunnies.

    And I love me some good lube. Got some of that KY Yours and Mine. Ever tried it? No? It’s ummmmm…. different. Like someone shoved a Mentos up your hoo ha. In a good way.

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  • mommakiss

    Did I rec’ that Yours & Mine to Tulpen? It’s GOOD LUBE!

    Now, listen Mad Women. No matter what goes on – unshaved legs or whatever, I HIGHLY suggest deodorant. It’s sooooo worth the little swipe.

    3am sex. Hasn’t happened in ages. Touch me at 3am, wake me from a deep sleep, you’re probably going to get punched.

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  • Poppy

    I’m so with Mommakiss on the 3 am bullshit. If I’m awake, game on though.

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  • 'BOTB

    I hear you on those cats. We have one that will jump on the bed and try to get all up in our business when it’s “business time”. Total blockage.

    Speaking of business time, are you familiar with Flight Of the Concords? http://youtu.be/mhN93rFZuJs Please watch this video. It’s a little close to home… ;-)

    Oh, and holler if you want a guest blogger. Would you like to guest blog on mine?

    [Reply]

  • Kristin @ Peace, Love and Muesli

    Batteries out of the talking Elmo. That’s the funniest thing ever. To read about not to have in my bed.

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  • Redshoes51

    LMAO @ “Mentosup your hoo ha…”

    I’ve always like using ‘Altoids’ as a form of a stimulant… put one just under your tongue and go at it… ;o)

    ~shoes~

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  • San Diego Momma

    It’s like you’re in my bedroom. Does this webcam go both ways??

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  • Megan (Best of Fates)

    I might not be married now, but I certainly feel all prepared for the future sexy time.

    And I’m not sure I could ever look Elmo in the eyes again.

    Some things that little red dude just can’t un-see.

    [Reply]

  • Coffeypot

    Now, see…if you were married to me you wouldn’t have to worry about all that shit. Just lay there, I don’t care; and it want take but a minute or two. Or a good hand jerking for a few seconds will work, too. Then you can let your tired body go right to sleep. Another good this is when you man is hung like a field mouse, you don’t need the lube, WD40, Olive Oil or what ever. You ain’t gonna feel it anyway. But the Burger Kings does sound good. “Have it your way.”

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  • L. Eleana

    The tip about taking the batteries out of Elmo is priceless. You see Elmo has been known to start talking for no reason at all just from being near a vent, or walking by the little red guy! There’s no telling what all that noise would do to Elmo, lol!

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  • magnolia

    ah, romance. :) and we should so talk about guest blogging. i’d be interested in one of these sexytimes stories…

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  • Enid Wilson

    Very honest and interesting suggestions!

    My Darcy Mutates

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  • Symdaddy

    I once did ‘it’ on a ping-pong table … which collapsed … causing major distress and a rather rapid extraction.

    It was giggles all round on the day … but my ego was deflated to such an extent that it was nearly five years before I could play table tennis again without crying.

    Erm, did I by any chance leave my razor at your house?

    [Reply]

  • Kelsey

    Excellent timing for these genius sex points. My husband is coming home from Afghanistan and it looks as though we have most of the necessities covered.

    Toddler? Check. x2
    Cats? No. Worse. Dogs. x2
    Sleep deprevation? Check. I’ve been single momming it for fifteen months now and I’m so exhausted, my thoughts aren’t even rational.

    My night table is clear and talking Elmo was fired from his post MONTHS ago. I’m off to find the sexiest pair of flannels on the market- thank you!

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  • Kelsey

    Also? I would LOVE the opportunity to guest post. Let me know if you’d be interested!

    [Reply]

  • Morgan B.

    Damn Tickle Me Elmo to hell. Fucking cock blocker. :)

    I have never read a more accurate description for sex after children. This should be packaged and sold as birth control.

    [Reply]

  • Lori Dyan

    List of things to do today: take kids to school; get roots dealt with at hairdresser; pick up dry cleaning; buy 4 lazy cats. ;-)

    [Reply]

  • kris

    So funny! I have almost none of the issues you mention, but I am all giggling.

    And rump-bumping?

    That really is all that’s required. If I scoot backwards into Mark in the middle of the night?

    Oh, it’s on.

    Snort!

    [Reply]

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