It’s getting hot in here!

Hi!

Guess what? Not only am I in Jessica’s hot seat, but I’m hosting it as well! SQUEEEEE!  Congrats Jessica on your feature and glad I can take a little heat off ya!

You know this means I could totally manipulate the questions to put me in the best light, show off my best features and you know, take the heat down a notch or two.

Ha! Like I’d do that. Come on.

So without further ado, welcome to my own roast.

Oh, and thanks Morgan. Revenge will be sweet!

It’s your 25th wedding anniversary. What surprises do you have lined up for Adonis? (@jackiecross)

A key to my back door.  That is all.

If we were single would you come to MA to marry me? And who would wear the dress? Both of us? And who would be our “ladies in waiting??” DISH! (@mommakiss)

Really, MK? I had hoped for us to elope in California but now that you’re making this a public affair I guess I’ll have to rethink things.
First, Morgan would be our wedding stylist. Sadly I don’t think she’d approve of the dresses I have picked for us, sort of a reverse mullet, to show off our best feature. Ahem. (Quite appropriate for the hot seat, wouldn’t you say, Jessica?) The Empress would be our minister, She Suggests would write our vows. Tulpen would be our best man and Daddy Runs a lot would be our maid of honor. We’d have Liz and KLZ (because what party would be complete without their dance skilz?)and finally Julie and Poppy (already voted “most likely to make it with the brides) Tuna Tar Tar (or is that Har har) would be the main course and there would be an endless supply of wine and Guinness.

Mad – you say you’re not afraid to try new things and fail. What’s been your biggest fail? (@mamarobinj)

I bought a gym a few years ago. My dream of being an aerobics instructor was within reach! Until I tried to teach, I had no idea that my inability to tell right from left would have such disastrous results. I was able to keep the doors open for 7 months before the financial loss became too much.
So now I wear all the cute unitards for Adonis’ entertainment.

You aren’t afraid to to lay it all out there on your blog. Are there any topics that are off limits? If so, what are they? (@littlehenhouse)

When I started my blog, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t talk about parenthood. Obviously, I have no foresight. Most likely I won’t talk about my marriage….beyond the sex, that is.

You exude self confidence (which I love). What are the top 3 things you love about yourself and what are 3 things you wish you could change? (@mommyneedsvaca)

Rachel, hello? Did you not read my post last week? AHEM! Okay, here goes: I love my adventurous spirit, my physical strength, and of course my naughty mind. I would change my lack of discipline and short attention span and short legs..
Thanks Rachel, now everyone knows my flaws!

Unlike you, I viewed pregnancy as a 9 month “all-you-can-eat buffet”, what’s this crap about you only eating ice cream twice? What’s wrong with you? (@funnyorsnot)

If it makes you feel any better, that was my first pregnancy. The Dude? He said BRING IT and boy did I. My ass is so mad at me right now!

Oh Mad Woman…if given the choice…bra or no bra and why? (@ksluiter)

Oh yeah! A boobs question! BRA BRA BRA, but only if it fits really REALLY well. You know, so well that even Pamela Anderson’s plastic surgeon would think my chest was perfection.

If you could take ONE of the chores of motherhood and farm it out, what would it be and which blogger/tweep would you give it to? (@oldtweener)

You angling for more Dude time, Sherri? What I would farm out is meal planning. Diaper changing, laundry monitoring I can handle but meals. UGH. And who might I task with such an honor as planning my family’s every meal? Why, Kristin of Peace Love and Muesli. Because then I can blame all the vegetables at dinner on someone else!  Sorry Kristin

Describe your perfect date with….me. (come on. you know you want to.) (@juliecgardner) 

Oh, if only dreams really come true! I imagine margaritas and tapas, bawdy jokes and body shots. If I get lucky it will end with a beach front run. Will you wear your holey shorts for me?

You have four minutes to save the world using only items in the car with you. And your boobs totally count. What do you do? (@moveovermaryp)

Of course the boobs save the day: I’d flash the bad guy my delectable decolletage and then shoot him in the eye with milk because my aim is just that good. A blow upside the head with my handy tire iron for good measure and  I tie him up with the ripped stockings I have stuffed under my seat. Toss him in the trunk and I drive off to deliver my yummy boob juice to all the starving children and thirsty dirty old men of the world.

Tell me where is the most daring place you have had sex… I know you’ve been daring! Yes people, i went there! (@multitaskmumma)

In my butt.

What? Not fans of The Newlywed Show? Okay, I’m kidding. Sort of.

Hm, on a public beach on a weekend? Nah, not hot enough. There was that time on a frontage road along a busy freeway. Meh.
Oh, how about….yeah, in an elevator! Yes I DID!

Ouch, was that seat a burner! I believe I need to share some of this heat with the delightful Julie C Gardner.